Seeking Direction and Discipline

So - I haven't blogged for quite some time now - and for good reason(s).

First of all, I haven't really had much to say in the way of positive things. Now from the onset, my goal was to talk about my progress with Weight Watchers and how my weight loss was going. And for the most part, I'm still in that process. Just that process does not always equal progress.

Second of all, it's hard for me to admit that I'm not disciplined. Not a big surprise to anyone - but in many areas of my life, I lack discipline.

I'm good at keeping my house clean. You can get both cars into our garage because it is neat and orderly. I wash sheets and towels on a regular basis. I pay bills on time. I remember meetings, I get up on time, I get my work done at the clinic..................and so it goes.

So with all that said, why isn't my Weight Watcher lifestyle disciplined. It is not rocket science and it doesn't take time, short of planning out my meals for the day and writing things down. Hardly worthy of an excuse of "not enough time".

Why? Lack of discipline in that area - and I wonder if it is lack of direction. I know that it is the best thing for my life and my health especially. I will feel better, by far. I will be happier with myself and who knows - I might be an encouragement to others. As it is, it's just a front. I say I am doing Weight Watchers, but in reality, I only have the books and the food journal on my kitchen counter.

I start out well in the mornings. I write down what I'm going to have for breakfast and eat the prescribed items. I sometimes even will write out the entire day. I take my perfect little lunch with me and even take some healthy snacks. But that's where it ends. By the time I leave the clinic to head home, it all comes to a screeching halt. If I stop for groceries, you can bet that there is a special treat for me waiting in the sack. When I get home, I eat said treat or find something else to "snack" on. Even though I don't have dangerous foods in the house ( which, I might add, I usually do anyway) I will go ahead and eat large quantities of good stuff!

So where/when does this cycle end? 

Not sure..............looking for direction. Searching for that illusive discipline.



More time to think

It's interesting - God is really working in me right now. It is a battle. (Isn't it always?) Do I want to continue to try to live my life on my own terms or do I want to give control to God? This all sounds familiar to me.... haven't I gone through this at least once before?

The answer is of course yes. Yes I have. And the results were excellent. When I let go of things and let God have everything, I can be assured that my life is headed in the right direction.

Right now, I'm content to just try to work this diet thing out my own way. That includes not working out and it also apparently includes not tracking what I eat. I am a rebel. I am living proof that obedience isn't necessary.

I plan on weighing in Thursday evening - but I doubt I will want to know what the scale says.

So for now, nothing going on in my head except a conversation with God. Soon I expect I will stop talking and start listening.

OK - so here's my thought process

I've been giving this a lot of thought - the place where I'm at in my head with regard to my eating pattern. I'm not proud to admit that I'm pretty self centered  as well as wanting to be in control of things. Herein lies the problem. I have wanted to control how my week will be played out to the tune of not the Weight Watchers plan but a "Sheryl modified" Weight Watchers plan. Not only is this not smart, but it doesn't work.

I thought that I could make the plan work with my personal modifications. Well, my modifications included eating whatever I wanted certain times of the day during the weekend. Translated - not following the plan 100% of the time. I was told I needed to be flexible, but I took it much further than that. Much further.

I have always balked at authority. Not sure how that happened, but I rebelled against my mom and some teachers. I balked at some bosses sometimes and I always drive about 5 miles above the speed limit. I think I must think that my idea of the rules are somehow better.

So, the bottom line is this. Do I want to lose weight or don't I?

I do. I very much want to lose weight and be healthy and feel better.

Do I believe in Weight Watchers?  Yes I do.

Is it currently working by adding in my own "rules"?

Nope.

So I've spent the weekend at friends in Virginia. I did not prepare ahead of time so the snacks in the car were not healthy and not in the program. I ate things I shouldn't have. But I did write everything down as my leader suggested. It doesn't look pretty and it's not going to be fun to share with her - but I did as she suggested.

I am going to stay with the program and more importantly, I am going to think and prepare ahead of time. I am going to be ready when I go to book club tomorrow night. I am going to bring some water to drink instead of wine that is offered. I am not going to eat snacks. One day at a time here. One day at a time.

I am also going to exercise tomorrow morning. Every little positive thing is good. I have no idea what Thursday's weigh in is going to show. I may end up crying again but I know I have to conquer this and literally, this is all data input for success.

p.s. To anonymous - I appreciate your comments so much and am glad that you are having some success with those final #'s.

A gain is not a loss - but it feels like losing.....

I truly am not sure what happened this week - I'm at a loss, excuse the play on words.

I gained 1.4# - and that is what I had hoped to lose. If I would have lost it, I would have lost over 10# and I would have had a 5% weight loss. But no. And I do feel like this was a loss to me. Unfortunately not in the pounds department.

I tried so hard this week and granted, it was labor day weekend and I didn't excel - but I worked hard the rest of the week and I walked probably a mile and a half on Monday and worked out Tuesday and Thursday mornings at the gym. I rode the bike for 45 minutes and then worked on abs etc. And this is what I get?

This is all I really want to talk about it. I'm sad - and I'm upset about this. I know a few facts and it has something to do with my will verses the truth about what I need to do - but I don't want to talk about it, as I said. I want to work this through in my heart and head - and with prayer - and I will see what happens in a few days.

This just isn't the place I had hoped to be tonite. I must be just fooling myself.............

Labor Day Weekend

Well, I made it through Labor Day weekend - relatively unscathed! It wasn't too bad for the most part. I did have a piece of peanut butter pie tonite at a friend's BBQ - which was delicious I might add. But we started out the day by going for a good walk. Then I had breakfast followed by working in our front yard taking out some pesky bushes. It was hard work - and I really felt like I got a good workout with both the walk and the yardwork!

My plans are to go to the gym tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday - I WANT to make my 10# mark this week so I have to work at it!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend !

It's not failure - it's feedback

So the results are as follows:  .4#  Yes, that's right........there's a "." in front of the 4. Not even 1/2#. But - I didn't stay the same and I didn't gain - so I guess it's a victory. It IS a victory - just not a huge one.

One thing we're told is that there's no such thing as failure - just feedback. And these past 2 weeks have been feedback for me. I see that by not strictly following the plan, and exercising 2 times a week, I can lose a little bit of weight. Same plan with no exercise = no loss or gain at all.

So - I think this feedback leads me to a good conclusion. I need to do one of two things (or both for even greater success). Increase my exercise to at least three times a week and/or follow the plan more than 4 days a week. This seems easy enough to do. I can exercise one more day and I can follow the plan for 5 days of the week strictly and let's see what happens.

When I say that I don't follow the plan every day, I don't mean that I eat absolutely anything I want. What I usually end up doing is following the plan the first 2/3 of the day but manage to eat more than I should in the evenings. Apparently this is a problem area. I can adjust - I can fix this.

So - another week started - week 8 I believe and I'm about .4# away from losing 10#. I really, really, REALLY want to have lost 10# next week. The daunting part to me is this long weekend because I really tend to be less obedient and less apt to follow the plan over the weekends. Discipline - here I come.

Happy Labor Day everyone!

A side-note before weigh-in

When I was at the gym yesterday morning, the TV was not working so I just listened to my IPOD - which was fine. It almost made me have a better workout I think because I could concentrate more on what I was doing rather than what I was watching. (note for the future).

Anyway, I rode 2 1/2 more miles and 15 minutes longer. It was a good thing!!!

Sunshine..........it's a good thing

Thank you my friend Amy for your words of encouragement! You are so precious! Just the words I needed to hear!

The rest of the day actually was good - it went uphill from the point I dotted my last "i" in my blog. Honestly - the eating part of my day was good - no swating - no swerving - and I stayed on track.

Tomorrow is weigh-in for week 7 and I have high hopes! :)

Cloudy Day

Yes - it's a cloudy day today. Not outside - outside is blue skies, pleasant temps and sunshine. But in my head, it's cloudy. Just one of those days. I am blue, in a funk and lonely. I just want to sit and drink coffee and sulk. I don't want to go to work and be nice. I don't want to answer the phone. I don't want to solve any issues or tidy up messes. I don't want to stick to a plan, go with the flow, work it out, deal with problems or soothe the savage beast. I don't care to explain myself, come to any conclusions, fix anything or adjust.

I'm curious how my WW will go today.......................

0

So - here's the story.
2 days of not keeping track of food + no exercise = 0# lost.

On the positive side, it also meant 0# gained. And seriously - when you consider that I had 2 days without tracking food eaten along with no exercise at all - well I should count myself among the blessed to have not gained weight.

So - the goal for this next week is to keep track every single day and to exercise at least twice if not three times.

Weigh-in Day Week 6

Well, I'm not sure how to feel about this evening's weigh-in. I always look forward to it for the most part, and really today is no different. For me, it's a measuring stick. OK, I just re-read that sentence and OF COURSE it's a measuring stick. Duh..... But I mean it's more than just measuring how much I've lost - it's also a measure of how I should construct my eating habits and how to conform my lifestyle to make weightloss work.

This wasn't a "great" week but it wasn't an awful week. I stayed with the plan for the most part but I'm finding that the weekends are hard to keep structured. I don't overeat really - but I do have bites and nibbles of things I shouldn't be putting into my mouth and of course, they all add up.

Generally speaking, I would say that this week was more indulgent than last week so hopefully I can at least stay the same weight as opposed to gaining.

Stay tuned to find out the verdict........

On a side note, it was a beautiful symphony of bird noises out on the screened porch this morning while I drank my coffee, had my devotions and ate my granola. It was also finally a cool, non-humid morning too and that was so nice!

Mid-week

Here it is - Tuesday and for my WW week, it's technically mid-week. I weight in on Thursday evenings and it is at this point in the week where I start to do some serious evaluations. How did I do? Have I been true to the plan? How far off have I strayed? Have I been flexible or horribly rigid? What are the scales going to show?

I do know this. I cannot keep on evaluating each and every thing so seriously. I need to be accountable and I do need to keep on track - but to OVERanalyze everything is crazy.

I've been accused of overanalyzing things - several times.  More times that I'd care to admit. So this is apparently cause for concern in my personality.

This truly is not rocket science - I know the plan and by now, I have a pretty good idea of the points of things. For the most part, I know if something is over the line for the day. That does not and will not keep me from accurately keeping track of each thing that goes into my mouth. But again - do it for what it is and quit trying to be so strict with every motion I make.

There has to be a fine line between being faithful and accountable and being manic about it. I'm sure I'll find that line in due time. Until then, I guess I'll continue to analyze everything. That is, if I am truly indeed overanalyzing........or is it just what others say.........maybe I'm not.........how do they word it.......is it said in love or............................oh shoot. There I go again. :)

End of Week 5

Well, I made it through week 5 and I'm happy to say I lost 1.4#!! 

It's funny to me that this week seems more of a victory to me than last week did when the difference was only .4#. I can't explain it - and I guess I'm not going to over-analyze it. The difference between week 4 and week 5 is that in week 4 I was rigid and stuck to the book! I wrote everything down and stayed with the plan 100%. Week 5 showed a little more flexability on my part. I still wrote everything down, but I allowed myself things here and there, in moderation, that might take me over my points. I am allowed 35 flex points during the week, but I haven't been taking advantage of them. This week, I did. And the results showed it.

Again, I'm aware that it's only .4# - but to me, it was a victory and I'm happy with it. True, I would rather lose 40# in one week but I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen.

So, bring on week 6 - I'm staying the course and going with the flow at the same time.

Thanks for everyone's encouragement!

Friendship and other things

Here it is Monday already. I'm just never quite ready for them for some reason. I'm dressed and ready to go to the gym and my head seems to be screwed on tight - so it's definitely a "go".

I want to talk about friends right now. And I don't mean friends in general - I do have so many friends and I am so thankful for that. I have some very dear friends back in Kansas. I also have high school friends and college friends, not to mention friends here in South Carolina.

But I'm talking about a close friend - a GOOD friend. I'm coming to realize that they are pretty hard to come by.

There have been so many opportunities down here to develop a close friendship - but nobody really ever takes the time. There are so many other agendas - so many other factors that get in the way.

So what am I really looking for?  Here are the qualities I would love to find in a close friend:

• Someone who might call me at the drop of a hat to say good morning or "how are you doing?"
• Someone who I could call at the drop of a hat and vent to - who would actually listen to me without starting in on their own issues
• Someone who wants to do things with me, outside of the already scheduled activities that we're involved in such as water aerobics, mahjongg, work, small group etc.
• Someone who wants to invest herself in a closer relationship/friendship - who can both listen carefully and speak freely, both with her heart open
• Someone who is honest
• Someone who might just randomly call to see if I want to go out for coffee

I wonder if my expectations are too high. I wonder if this kind of person only existed in high school or college and doesn't exist in the reality world. There seriously has to be women out there who desire the same thing.

This is not to take anything at all away from my husband - because all of these things exist with him. But sometimes, I just want a female friend. It's a little different - it's on a different level.

So why is this friendship so elusive? What makes it so difficult to pin down?

I'm not sure. A lot of my friends now are either retired or semi-retired and I would envision that they are looking for the same thing. Moving into a new neighborhood and being the new kid on the block is an issue - friendships already exist so therefore - well, there isn't room for one more. People are busy. Agendas and schedules are full. Time is precious. Yada Yada Yada.

In any event, while I continue on this journey of weight loss, I will remain hopeful. I want to find a good friend. Someone to share this with. The door is open!

Thanks for listening!

Being Flexible

Being Flexible sometimes isn't easy for me. I have a routine - I have a plan. I like things to be orderly.

I say that I'm flexible - that I can be spontaneous - but the reality is that it kind of upsets me when things change. It upsets me when my plans don't turn out the way I'd thought they would.

I have a plan for my daily eating. And for the most part, it stays true. But things happen. Things that are out of my control. But beyond that - there are just times that I want something to eat that isn't on my "plan".

So what do I do? I commiserate. I fret. I lament over what I should have eaten verses what I did eat.

The solution? Be flexible. Go with the flow. Stay true - but stay flexible.

This is a life time eating plan I'm on. I am NOT always going to be eating exactly what I've put on paper. Things come up and also there are "food urges" that simply cannot be ignored.

This is not giving me permission to eat whatever I want. On the contrary. This is giving me permission to incorporate other foods into my daily life that I might otherwise "ban". And when I do, then I continue to go forward and continue to stay on task.

So this week - I'm trying to be flexible. I'm trying hard not to beat myself up for having one thing during the week that doesn't exactly fall in line.

Not easy - but doable.

End of Week 4

Well, I have to admit I was a little disappointed. I lost 1# this past week. I was hoping for 1.5# and seriously - if the scales had said I had lost 5# I wouldn't have been surprised! I just felt so good about this week and to have lost only 1# in a whole week just made me a little sad.

I'm not giving up and I'm not going to quit trying - but really? Isn't it funny - I had my heart set on 1.5# - so I was only .5 off - and still I feel like I didn't do well. Pretty hard on myself sometimes I guess.

I'm going to keep on moving forward - keep up the tracking and water and exercising - and eventually, when I'm 92 years old, I will reach my goal.

Smiling!

Variety is the spice of life!

Here I am - one day before weigh-in and I find myself almost giddy with expectation to see what tomorrow's scales say!

It was a good day - started off with water aerobics for an hour before I went to work. It was a well-planned day - I recorded everything I ate - stayed within the point range and just got back from a walk with the husband. I feel good - I feel like I accomplished my goal today - and I am ready for another day!

A new friend suggested putting the one point happy cow cheese on a small toasted bagel and then add tomatoes! I LOVE THAT IDEA - thanks so much for the suggestion!

Several ladies have been bringing herbs from their garden to the WW meetings to share with everyone! What a thoughtful idea - and what a good way to spice up otherwise bland meals without adding any calories or points!

Have a great Thursday everyone - and I'll let you know how tomorrow turns out!

Popcorn

It was another good day - and that makes me happy! I think one of the things that makes the eating part of my day go so smoothly is the pre-planning. I planned out everything I was going to eat today at the beginning of the day when I was having my coffee. I made sure and included a snack when I got home from work. As I've said before, this is a time that I usually want to graze. I've found that a rice cake with 1 T of peanut butter (3 points) fits the need perfectly.

I've also built in extra points at the end of the day - 2 or 3 - so that I can choose what I want. Sometiems it's a Weight Watchers 1 point ice creme bar. Tonite, it was a 2 point sack of popcorn and without a doubt, this was a good decision. I love the crunch tonite.

Isn't it funny how we crave different things at different times, at least I do! Sometimes I want sweet, sometimes salty, sometimes crunchy, and sometimes smooth. And you really never know until it hits you. That's why I've built in the points to use as I want to at the end of the day.

We had small group tonite and I made treats. I had strawberries, crackers and cheese and cucumbers - some with creme cheese on them and some without. For me, I had things that i could eat that were already built into today's plan. I could have 4-5 large strawberries (which were delicious I might add) and cucumbers. I also had found some Weight Watchers Happy Cow Swiss Cheese at the grocery store so I had one of those tonite instead of the other cheese or the creme cheese. I was as happy as can be with my choice.

I know full well that I won't always be. There will be times that I will juse pig out on the creme cheese and cheese and crackers. But for tonite, I didn't and I'm content here on my blog with a bowl of popcorn.

Blessings to you all!

A good day

Just a quick little note before I head off to bed. It was a good day! I planned ahead for every possible "snack moment" I might encounter and it worked.

I started off the day with breakfast and then I went to the gym. My brain was ready to quit before I hit the 5 mile mark on the bike, but I made myself finish and I'm glad I did.

I had my mid-morning protein shake, then lunch and then  mid-afternoon blueberry break. On my way home, I had saved points for a grande skinny hazelnut latte (yippee) and then a rice cake with 1T peanut butter. We had dinner and then I had a 1 point WW ice creme bar. There were still points left over that I could have a WW crunchy cheese snack as I was typing this. Ideally, I wouldn't really want to be eating at 10:30 at night but I did have points left over just in case, so I think it's ok.

Bottom line, I planned ahead to make today work. I feel good about it and I'm one step closer to losing 2# this week. Thanks for all the encouragement you send my way!

Finding something new inside myself

This is day 1 of week 4. The book for this week is titled "Habits of Successful Members" and has been very helpful for me. I took a small quiz called the Habit Profile. My highest marks were in "Learn From Experience" and highest of all "Manage Your Feelings".

I need to learn from little lapses and that they stop there instead of taking me off track completely. There is no such thing as failure. Only feedback. That was so freeing to me - every time I get off track, it is feedback to me. I can analyze it and figure out why I did it. Then, I figure out how to avoid it next time. Feedback. Good stuff. Expecting perfection is a quick way to fall of track. I definitely expect that of myself, in so many ways. I need to expect reality instead. I don't think that means that I can give myself enough rope to hang myself - on the contrary. I just need to give myself a little slack.

The pages that really spoke to me were about managing my feelings. Those of you who know me probably think that I do that rather well. Or maybe that's the way I perceive myself - a good handler of my emotions and feelings. I see myself as a stable person - in control - not wavering. How dangerous is that! Seriously - I'm far from that!

Becoming aware that I am an emotional eater was an eye-opening experience for me. Take last Tuesday as an example. If I could view that day's video, I would see exactly that example right in front of me. I am going to start paying attention to my hunger signals and then do something about it. If I'm "feeling" that I'm hungry soon after I've eaten, then there's something else going on. Am I bored? Am I annoyed or angry about something? Am I lonely? Am I feeling sad about something? Those things aren't too hard to figure out - but I need to be aware of it and then act on them. I need to have in place things to do when that happens to me. If I'm sitting at my desk at work and feel hungry, then I can get up and walk around for a bit - go outside for a minute. Offer to get the mail. Breathe in some outside air.

If I'm lonely for my children or for my grandson, I can call them. Step away and talk to them for a couple of minutes.

If I'm angry or annoyed - then deal with the situation. Eating does not take care of a single thing besides filling my stomach. If I'm not hungry, I shouldn't be eating.

To quote one of the leader's mentioned in this book: " It isn't the load that breaks us down, it's the way we carry it."

I also need to prepare myself. Successful people set goals, plan their efforts, and prepare for challenging scenarios. Research shows that setting goals is an important part of the weight-loss process. Goals that are broken down into smaller steps feel more attainable and allow for more frequent celebrations! (and not with food!!)

One of the things they talked about was anchoring. I like this and may try to implement it. This helps me get in touch with my "inner resources". For me, this strength comes from God. With anchoring, you connect to times in your life when you felt particularly patient, confident, determined or successful. Yout attach that memory to a physical object, a mental picture or a gesture. When you need those positive feelings, that confidence, that determination - you touch the object, conjure the image or make the gesture. I'm working on this right now - I have a few ideas and I will share them with you when I come to a good conclusion.

There was also the idea of reframing. This helps me to recognize the real motivation behind emotional eating - trying to accomplish an emotional need with food. Reframing helps you to fill that need with something other than food.  Ask yourself: What does this behavior give me? How does it benefit me? Then think what else I could do to get that benefit. Again - I'm in the process of working on this. Very interesting stuff.

Today I stayed on track completely. I keep track of points and didn't eat anything I shouldn't have. I felt good - I felt positive. One more day towards the goal.

Speaking of goals, I'm going to focus on a smaller goal this week. I would like to lose 2# this week. That is the goal.

Thank you anonymous for all of your comments - do I know you?  :)

"It isn't the load that breaks us down, it's the way we carry it."

End of week 3

- .2#

That's it. Nothing more.

I have learned my lesson.

No more stinking brownies.

No more containers of krispy kreme donut holes.

Stick to the plan.

Stay focused.

Say no.

This is a life lesson.

I can do it.

The end.

Goodnight! :)

And a new day it is!

And a new day it is!!

It is so funny to me that one day can be so different than the day before when it comes to "willpower" or whatever it is that keeps me on a straight path.

Today, I felt like I was in control. (Foolish thought - and not safe at all - but a thought none the less) I wrote down every single thing that went into my mouth and here I am at 8 o'clock at night and I have one point remaining which I choose to fill with a peach. I had a tablespoon of peanut butter when I got home from work that I hadn't planned on. So I wrote it down and counted it. This brings me to something that I need to deal with right away. Almost without fail I am HUNGRY when I get home from work. I need to deal with this before it gets out of hand. I need to plan for it.

When I get home, I plan on drinking a big glass of water first. Then I'll eat something pre-planned, ideally a filling food. Maybe some celery with peanut butter would be good. Or a rice cake with peanut butter. Both are crunchy and that's always a good thing. To me, if it's crunchy, then I am definitely getting my money's worth!

I was busy all morning at the Savannah River Site with a United Way presentation so that helped. The thing was, they always have delicious treats there. Marlane and I both avoided them. The lady who had a display across from us had gingersnaps that she offered us. Again, we declined. I work good in pairs!!

I didn't get to go to the gym this morning because of having to be at the site so very early. I'll go in tomorrow then - which is really not a bad idea at all since tomorrow evening is WW and I'm needing to be as ready as I can be. It wasn't a perfect week.

That's something I need to learn to deal with also. It's not ever going to be a PERFECT week - I'm not made that way. I need to do the very best I can, plan ahead, be prepared, and work the plan. Life lessons - continued. I can do this!

Week 3, day 5 (aka not a good day)

So remember what I said about not having a treat at Mahjongg last night? Well - I did. Not once - but twice. Two stinking brownies. Seriously. And why? Well - the first bite was because I was thinking how delicious a piece of chocolate brownie would be. But beyond that first bite, there was no real reason. And there certainly wasn't a reason for the second brownie!! So why did I have it? I truly don't know. She picked up the plate to get it out of the way and said "anybody for seconds before I take the plate?" and everybody took one. So did I. Just because. And now I'm commiserating over it. It wasn't a GREAT brownie by any means - just a usual brownie.

So today - well, it had the best of intentions from me. But from the very beginning of the day it started out wrong. First thing out of the gate there was a change in my day - something I had to do that I hadn't planned on that was going to make my afternoon schedule tight. And then the clinic was just out of control today from the get-go. Someone suggested that the astroid that came between the earth and the sun was messing with the atmosphere. This is akin to the full moon theory I presume. However you choose to explain it, if it could go wrong today, it did. And I was cranky. My mom had surgery today and I was concerned about that too. Also guilty that I wasn't there.

I stuck with my food plan all day long..................until I stopped at the grocery store on the way home to pick up things for small group tonite (snacks at the last minute). I knew what I was going to get before I even walked in the door. There is a small little package of krispy kreme donut holes sitting in the middle of the isle by Starbucks..... and I picked it up and ate the entire thing while I was driving home. I did.

OK - so this wasn't a good day in a lot of ways. First -  my eating towards the end was way off the scale. Pun intended. Second - I had a horrid attitude about several things and I was feeling unnecessary guilt, stress and anger. Apparently I now know what triggers binge eating.

P.S.  I've been asked what 0 point items I like to snack on. I'd have to say veggies. I love tomatoes - but other than that, I haven't found many 0 point items that make me say yum. :)

Better sailing tomorrow............

Week 3, Day 4

It was a pretty good day today - so far. I am headed to a neighbor's house in a half hour to play Mahjongg and I "fear" what she will have for snacks. I am committed to say "no thank you" and just drink either water or diet pop. If you have iced tea down here, it is most definitely sweet tea - and that's not a good thing!

I'm working on two areas right now: First, making sure that I eat several small meals throughout the day so that I don't get hungry with a capital H! Second, making sure that the majority of foods I eat are high in protein and "filling foods". I love blueberries - but they aren't exactly filling. 1 cup of blueberries is only 1 point - but it doesn't do much to satisfy my hunger. I always include a protein drink throughout the day as well. We are told not to drink our calories and while I know that is true, I do need the extra protein and this is a good way to do it - and it's only 2 points.

I went to the gym this morning and rode the bike for 5 miles - it felt really good! It's a great way to start out my mornings!

So - that's it for today. I'll let you know tomorrow how I did at mahjongg!  Thanks for your encouragement!

A new beginning - again

So - I'm going to start blogging again a little more regularly. This time - with a definite purpose.

This is my "before" picture - 3 years ago.

This is my "after" picture about a year ago.

As you may or may not know, I had gastric bypass surgery, nearly 3 years ago to the day. After that surgery, I lost about 120#, give or take. Well - within the past year, I have gained about 30# back. There is always a "given" that you gain a little back - but certainly not 30#. So here I am again - facing the fact that I need to lose weight again but this time, without the benefit of gastric bypass. This time - I have to really dig deep and accomplish this on my own.

I'm not saying that losing the weight after gastric bypass was easy. It wasn't. I had to settle in to a new lifestyle and get used to a new way of eating. That holds true for now as well - but I've adjusted what I eat to things that I shouldn't be putting into my mouth. I may not be able to eat as much - but what I've been eating has been wrong.

I joined Weight Watchers 2 weeks ago and so far I've lost 6.6#. It is a very healthy lifestyle and the program is excellent of course. I've also gone back to the gym and have started going to water aerobics on Friday mornings. I am determined to regain what I've lost! Odd way to say that, isn't it!

This isn't easy for my ego. I loved where I was at a year ago. I felt awesome and I believe I was pretty close to where I wanted to be. Slowly, ever so slowly I regained those 30# and it just makes me angry that I let it happen. I had been so disciplined and I guess I ended up being careless. That 120# really came off quickly - and so I had the false assumption that it would stay off, no matter what I did.

It truly is not all about how I look. It is about my health and it is about the things that I can do. When it got hard for me to walk very far because I was out of breath, it really was a knock upside the head. What had I let happen?

Now I'm watching my points, drinking water, and exercising. Its not always easy. Some days are a breeze - but other days I fight with myself about something I want to eat. Something sweet usually. A treat. Well, it sure isn't much of a treat when it starts to pack on the pounds in a relatively short period of time.

So, I'm going to start blogging about my progress. It is a way for me to stay accountable. It's a way for me to put down my thoughts about where I'm at in this process. And I do plan on making progress. Forward progress.

Here I go!!!

Musings about Mother

I'm not sure the proper word is "musings".

Although by definition, it is contemplation; reflection. So I guess it fits.

I visited my mother about 2 months ago. She lives in a nursing home and will be 89 years old in a month. She has dementia, at the very least. This past visit was the first time she really wasn't sure who I was.

She introduced me as her brother's daughter. Another time she introduced me as her granddaughter. Despite my encouragements as to who I really was, I'm not sure it ever sunk in. Not by the look on her face. She never called me Sheryl.

It was a distinct disassociation for me. It was almost like not really visiting with my mother, though visiting with her hasn't really occurred for many years. We simply go over the same topic many times. "How are the kids?" and "Have you got much rain?" And then again, in about 5 minutes. Same questions. Same answers.

That sort of thing really never bothered me. Mother and I really never had much of a good relationship anyway - so we never had "heart to heart" conversations. We generally stick to surface talk for the most part, even on the days when she knew who I was. But now - it just seemed that it didn't even reach the surface. It was like not having a conversation at all. She asked me how my dad was. I wasn't sure how to answer. After all, my dad was her husband. How do you explain that without getting her confused. More confused.

Its funny to me that I want her back - that I long for times that we could talk together - when really, we never had much of those times to begin with. It's hard to wish for things that never really were. But I still do.

It's almost like I am wishing for a mother that never existed. That seems wrong. It seems unloving.

So - now I think about my mom in a totally different plane almost. I think about her sitting in the nursing home - and I imagine that she doesn't even miss me. She doesn't remember me - how can she miss me.

But I miss her - I miss the mom that I imagine I could have had.

A Wandering Mind

This is just me tonite - with a wandering mind. This is about body image and the way we feel about ourselves. Its a cruel game sometimes. I honestly feel that I felt better about myself before I lost weight. Explain that, will ya?

I hate it - the morning ritual of figuring out what to wear. Some mornings, nothing fits - or it appears that it doesn't fit. Nothing looks right. There's absolutely nothing in my closet to wear. And no matter what it looked like on me yesterday, it's not good today.

You can have your toes painted, you can have a tan, a good hair day and a new outfit - but still - it just isn't right. And that makes me mad. Very mad.

Where does our self-worth and self-image come from anyway? From television? From a magazine? From media hype about skinny bodies and white teeth and fashion trends? Yes, yes and yes again. And it just doesn't make sense because our real self-worth isn't about our "self" at all. It's about our life in Jesus Christ and how we are viewed by Him. It has nothing to do with my toenails. It has nothing to do with those pounds that I cannot seem to get rid of. It is about my new life - it is about being born again as a child of God. It is about my salvation.

So why am I so caught up in the way I look to everyone else........on how I appear to myself? It doesn't make sense to me - and it is getting old. I'm tired of not being content with myself and of not liking what I see.

Deep sigh.........

My Birthday

This past week was my birthday. I'm not going to divulge how old I am now, but suffice it to say, I should be well beyond being excited about my birthday. But - I still get very excited about my birthday and I love celebrating it!

But things are different when you're older, and it makes me a little sad. I admit it. I like the hoopla and the fal-d-rall of birthday celebrations. My mom used to do a very good job of celebrating my birthday. We had a neighbor who could make birthday cakes like none other. I had a doll birthday cake, a clown birthday cake and the best one of all, a train birthday cake! It had about 5 cars and I loved it!



The thing is now, most people assume that when you're the age that I am now, you don't really care about your birthday but I bet I'm not alone when I say that it DOES matter! I love to celebrate and I love it when my friends remember.

This year was pretty good - my co-workers remembered and we celebrated with food and flowers and cards. Two other friends took me out for a latte and flowers - and several other friends called. Jay remembered of course - and my kids called too!

There was also the facebook well wishes and I was so overwhelmed with the birthday wishes! There was a definite trend - I got birthday wishes from relatives on facebook, classmates from highschool on facebook AND all of my wonderful friends from Clay Center on facebook. But guess who was missing. My Virginia friends. I got one birthday wish from Virginia. Just interesting - and it kind of cements the theory that Jay said we might not ever fit in there. Nobody has time for friends.

Anyway - I digress.

It was a fun birthday - and I'm glad that my family and friends realize that there is still that little girl inside of me that loves to celebrate my birthday. It's a good thing to remember for others as well.

My Library Card

Since moving to South Carolina,I have been several places - but I hadn't yet made it to the library. I seriously cannot remember the last time I had a library card, but it had been a number of years and honestly, I was looking forward to it.

In my mind, I remembered the library cards of the past. When I was in elementary school, the library was in the basement of the courthouse. It wasn't a very big library, but I do remember how it smelled. My library card at that time was kept at the library, in a small metal "recipe box" along with everyone elise's. When I checked out a book, the name of the book was written on my card and the date stamped both on my card and on the flap on the back cover of the book itself.

Later on as an adult, I got to have my own library card in my possession. Perhaps because I was more responsible. Perhaps. In any event, the same type of system was used. I handed my card to the librarian and she put my individual number on the card from the book along with the stamped date. I believe she kept that card from the book.

But this week when I went to the library to get a card, it was an entirely different system.






As you can see, my library card is now a plastic card with my personal ID barcode and the little card fits onto my keychain. When I want to check out a book, I find it, take it to a self-check station, scan my barcoded card, lay the book (with it's own little barcode) onto the gray pad and viola, it prints out a little slip of paper with my name on it and the book's return date. And I'm outta there.

This kind of distressed me a little bit. I mean, there is virtually no personal contact at all. I can find the books I want (they still alphabetize them by authors) and I know how to scan etc. I could literally walk in and out of the library without as much as a "how do you do".

The good news? This library is very old. It SMELLS like a library. The floors creak. The stairs to the second floor squeak. The hand rail feels well worn. It is still very quiet, even with the many computer keyboards clicking away.

It is still a comfort place to be. All is not lost. Even though I carry my library card on the end of my keychain, the mystery and ambience of the library remains.

All is well.

Snow in the south

I really didn't think I would like it - but I was wrong. I loved it. Last week the forecast called for snow and sure enough, despite everyone thinking it wouldn't ever happen, we got snow! About 4" of beautiful, wet snow! It had been years since this area had received any snow so of course there were a lot of warnings out for the area - telling people to stay off of the roads, watch out for ice, and to stock up on food in case you were snowed in.

Smiling here - snowed in. Ha!

When it started snowing, I, along with many others, went for a walk. It was just so nice to walk with those big flakes hitting me in the face. I remembered many snow storms in Kansas and being snowed in - I mean REALLY snowed in! It was nice.... very nice.

Pay It Forward

Here's something new. My friend Laura had this on her blog and I signed up. It's called Pay It forward.... and here are the guidelines:

The guidelines: "I will send a handmade gift to the first 3 people who leave a comment on my blog requesting to join this PIF exchange. I don’t know what that gift will be yet and you may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days, that is my promise!"



The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog.



"Want to participate? Be one of the first 3 people to leave a comment on this post and make the same promise on your own blog.

Not So Random Acts of Kindness and 365 days to do it in!

So, here goes! If you're interested in participating, just be one of the first three people to post that you would like to PIF! You don't have to be a knitter, you can hand craft - crochet, weaving, sewing, stamping up cards, anything that is "your thing".


Come on---you know you want to join us in the fun.

Ready? GO!!!!!

My Internal Yardstick

I have just realized that a lot of the things I "measure" are held up against Kansas.

Kansas is my home - I lived in Kansas for over 50 years. For me - this is what I measure things with.

Now being in South Carolina, I hold it up against Kansas. When people down here say that it is a cold winter, I say to myself "You've got to be kidding!! You have no idea what a cold winter is! Back in Kansas....."

When people say that the streets are icy, I say to myself "Seriously! Have you ever driven on a sheet of ice??? Back in Kansas....."

When we're in a restaurant, when I order iced tea, I am automatically given sweet tea. Well - Back in Kansas, you are given plain iced tea and you add sugar IF you want it.

It seems like nearly everything I do, I compare it to Kansas, with Kansas being the norm. With Kansas being "the right way". Interesting, because I'm sure anybody from any other state thinks the same thing about their area. I truly do know that just because I've done something the same way all my life doesn't necessarly make it correct. And I know that if some people can drive very well on snow packed roads, it doesn't make others wierd because they aren't used to it.

I know that I'll always have Kansas near and dear to me, no matter where I live. I am enjoying South Carolina very much and really am content with the location that I am in. But it will never be Kansas. There truly is - no place like home.