Cloudy Day

Yes - it's a cloudy day today. Not outside - outside is blue skies, pleasant temps and sunshine. But in my head, it's cloudy. Just one of those days. I am blue, in a funk and lonely. I just want to sit and drink coffee and sulk. I don't want to go to work and be nice. I don't want to answer the phone. I don't want to solve any issues or tidy up messes. I don't want to stick to a plan, go with the flow, work it out, deal with problems or soothe the savage beast. I don't care to explain myself, come to any conclusions, fix anything or adjust.

I'm curious how my WW will go today.......................

0

So - here's the story.
2 days of not keeping track of food + no exercise = 0# lost.

On the positive side, it also meant 0# gained. And seriously - when you consider that I had 2 days without tracking food eaten along with no exercise at all - well I should count myself among the blessed to have not gained weight.

So - the goal for this next week is to keep track every single day and to exercise at least twice if not three times.

Weigh-in Day Week 6

Well, I'm not sure how to feel about this evening's weigh-in. I always look forward to it for the most part, and really today is no different. For me, it's a measuring stick. OK, I just re-read that sentence and OF COURSE it's a measuring stick. Duh..... But I mean it's more than just measuring how much I've lost - it's also a measure of how I should construct my eating habits and how to conform my lifestyle to make weightloss work.

This wasn't a "great" week but it wasn't an awful week. I stayed with the plan for the most part but I'm finding that the weekends are hard to keep structured. I don't overeat really - but I do have bites and nibbles of things I shouldn't be putting into my mouth and of course, they all add up.

Generally speaking, I would say that this week was more indulgent than last week so hopefully I can at least stay the same weight as opposed to gaining.

Stay tuned to find out the verdict........

On a side note, it was a beautiful symphony of bird noises out on the screened porch this morning while I drank my coffee, had my devotions and ate my granola. It was also finally a cool, non-humid morning too and that was so nice!

Mid-week

Here it is - Tuesday and for my WW week, it's technically mid-week. I weight in on Thursday evenings and it is at this point in the week where I start to do some serious evaluations. How did I do? Have I been true to the plan? How far off have I strayed? Have I been flexible or horribly rigid? What are the scales going to show?

I do know this. I cannot keep on evaluating each and every thing so seriously. I need to be accountable and I do need to keep on track - but to OVERanalyze everything is crazy.

I've been accused of overanalyzing things - several times.  More times that I'd care to admit. So this is apparently cause for concern in my personality.

This truly is not rocket science - I know the plan and by now, I have a pretty good idea of the points of things. For the most part, I know if something is over the line for the day. That does not and will not keep me from accurately keeping track of each thing that goes into my mouth. But again - do it for what it is and quit trying to be so strict with every motion I make.

There has to be a fine line between being faithful and accountable and being manic about it. I'm sure I'll find that line in due time. Until then, I guess I'll continue to analyze everything. That is, if I am truly indeed overanalyzing........or is it just what others say.........maybe I'm not.........how do they word it.......is it said in love or............................oh shoot. There I go again. :)

End of Week 5

Well, I made it through week 5 and I'm happy to say I lost 1.4#!! 

It's funny to me that this week seems more of a victory to me than last week did when the difference was only .4#. I can't explain it - and I guess I'm not going to over-analyze it. The difference between week 4 and week 5 is that in week 4 I was rigid and stuck to the book! I wrote everything down and stayed with the plan 100%. Week 5 showed a little more flexability on my part. I still wrote everything down, but I allowed myself things here and there, in moderation, that might take me over my points. I am allowed 35 flex points during the week, but I haven't been taking advantage of them. This week, I did. And the results showed it.

Again, I'm aware that it's only .4# - but to me, it was a victory and I'm happy with it. True, I would rather lose 40# in one week but I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen.

So, bring on week 6 - I'm staying the course and going with the flow at the same time.

Thanks for everyone's encouragement!

Friendship and other things

Here it is Monday already. I'm just never quite ready for them for some reason. I'm dressed and ready to go to the gym and my head seems to be screwed on tight - so it's definitely a "go".

I want to talk about friends right now. And I don't mean friends in general - I do have so many friends and I am so thankful for that. I have some very dear friends back in Kansas. I also have high school friends and college friends, not to mention friends here in South Carolina.

But I'm talking about a close friend - a GOOD friend. I'm coming to realize that they are pretty hard to come by.

There have been so many opportunities down here to develop a close friendship - but nobody really ever takes the time. There are so many other agendas - so many other factors that get in the way.

So what am I really looking for?  Here are the qualities I would love to find in a close friend:

• Someone who might call me at the drop of a hat to say good morning or "how are you doing?"
• Someone who I could call at the drop of a hat and vent to - who would actually listen to me without starting in on their own issues
• Someone who wants to do things with me, outside of the already scheduled activities that we're involved in such as water aerobics, mahjongg, work, small group etc.
• Someone who wants to invest herself in a closer relationship/friendship - who can both listen carefully and speak freely, both with her heart open
• Someone who is honest
• Someone who might just randomly call to see if I want to go out for coffee

I wonder if my expectations are too high. I wonder if this kind of person only existed in high school or college and doesn't exist in the reality world. There seriously has to be women out there who desire the same thing.

This is not to take anything at all away from my husband - because all of these things exist with him. But sometimes, I just want a female friend. It's a little different - it's on a different level.

So why is this friendship so elusive? What makes it so difficult to pin down?

I'm not sure. A lot of my friends now are either retired or semi-retired and I would envision that they are looking for the same thing. Moving into a new neighborhood and being the new kid on the block is an issue - friendships already exist so therefore - well, there isn't room for one more. People are busy. Agendas and schedules are full. Time is precious. Yada Yada Yada.

In any event, while I continue on this journey of weight loss, I will remain hopeful. I want to find a good friend. Someone to share this with. The door is open!

Thanks for listening!

Being Flexible

Being Flexible sometimes isn't easy for me. I have a routine - I have a plan. I like things to be orderly.

I say that I'm flexible - that I can be spontaneous - but the reality is that it kind of upsets me when things change. It upsets me when my plans don't turn out the way I'd thought they would.

I have a plan for my daily eating. And for the most part, it stays true. But things happen. Things that are out of my control. But beyond that - there are just times that I want something to eat that isn't on my "plan".

So what do I do? I commiserate. I fret. I lament over what I should have eaten verses what I did eat.

The solution? Be flexible. Go with the flow. Stay true - but stay flexible.

This is a life time eating plan I'm on. I am NOT always going to be eating exactly what I've put on paper. Things come up and also there are "food urges" that simply cannot be ignored.

This is not giving me permission to eat whatever I want. On the contrary. This is giving me permission to incorporate other foods into my daily life that I might otherwise "ban". And when I do, then I continue to go forward and continue to stay on task.

So this week - I'm trying to be flexible. I'm trying hard not to beat myself up for having one thing during the week that doesn't exactly fall in line.

Not easy - but doable.

End of Week 4

Well, I have to admit I was a little disappointed. I lost 1# this past week. I was hoping for 1.5# and seriously - if the scales had said I had lost 5# I wouldn't have been surprised! I just felt so good about this week and to have lost only 1# in a whole week just made me a little sad.

I'm not giving up and I'm not going to quit trying - but really? Isn't it funny - I had my heart set on 1.5# - so I was only .5 off - and still I feel like I didn't do well. Pretty hard on myself sometimes I guess.

I'm going to keep on moving forward - keep up the tracking and water and exercising - and eventually, when I'm 92 years old, I will reach my goal.

Smiling!

Variety is the spice of life!

Here I am - one day before weigh-in and I find myself almost giddy with expectation to see what tomorrow's scales say!

It was a good day - started off with water aerobics for an hour before I went to work. It was a well-planned day - I recorded everything I ate - stayed within the point range and just got back from a walk with the husband. I feel good - I feel like I accomplished my goal today - and I am ready for another day!

A new friend suggested putting the one point happy cow cheese on a small toasted bagel and then add tomatoes! I LOVE THAT IDEA - thanks so much for the suggestion!

Several ladies have been bringing herbs from their garden to the WW meetings to share with everyone! What a thoughtful idea - and what a good way to spice up otherwise bland meals without adding any calories or points!

Have a great Thursday everyone - and I'll let you know how tomorrow turns out!

Popcorn

It was another good day - and that makes me happy! I think one of the things that makes the eating part of my day go so smoothly is the pre-planning. I planned out everything I was going to eat today at the beginning of the day when I was having my coffee. I made sure and included a snack when I got home from work. As I've said before, this is a time that I usually want to graze. I've found that a rice cake with 1 T of peanut butter (3 points) fits the need perfectly.

I've also built in extra points at the end of the day - 2 or 3 - so that I can choose what I want. Sometiems it's a Weight Watchers 1 point ice creme bar. Tonite, it was a 2 point sack of popcorn and without a doubt, this was a good decision. I love the crunch tonite.

Isn't it funny how we crave different things at different times, at least I do! Sometimes I want sweet, sometimes salty, sometimes crunchy, and sometimes smooth. And you really never know until it hits you. That's why I've built in the points to use as I want to at the end of the day.

We had small group tonite and I made treats. I had strawberries, crackers and cheese and cucumbers - some with creme cheese on them and some without. For me, I had things that i could eat that were already built into today's plan. I could have 4-5 large strawberries (which were delicious I might add) and cucumbers. I also had found some Weight Watchers Happy Cow Swiss Cheese at the grocery store so I had one of those tonite instead of the other cheese or the creme cheese. I was as happy as can be with my choice.

I know full well that I won't always be. There will be times that I will juse pig out on the creme cheese and cheese and crackers. But for tonite, I didn't and I'm content here on my blog with a bowl of popcorn.

Blessings to you all!

A good day

Just a quick little note before I head off to bed. It was a good day! I planned ahead for every possible "snack moment" I might encounter and it worked.

I started off the day with breakfast and then I went to the gym. My brain was ready to quit before I hit the 5 mile mark on the bike, but I made myself finish and I'm glad I did.

I had my mid-morning protein shake, then lunch and then  mid-afternoon blueberry break. On my way home, I had saved points for a grande skinny hazelnut latte (yippee) and then a rice cake with 1T peanut butter. We had dinner and then I had a 1 point WW ice creme bar. There were still points left over that I could have a WW crunchy cheese snack as I was typing this. Ideally, I wouldn't really want to be eating at 10:30 at night but I did have points left over just in case, so I think it's ok.

Bottom line, I planned ahead to make today work. I feel good about it and I'm one step closer to losing 2# this week. Thanks for all the encouragement you send my way!

Finding something new inside myself

This is day 1 of week 4. The book for this week is titled "Habits of Successful Members" and has been very helpful for me. I took a small quiz called the Habit Profile. My highest marks were in "Learn From Experience" and highest of all "Manage Your Feelings".

I need to learn from little lapses and that they stop there instead of taking me off track completely. There is no such thing as failure. Only feedback. That was so freeing to me - every time I get off track, it is feedback to me. I can analyze it and figure out why I did it. Then, I figure out how to avoid it next time. Feedback. Good stuff. Expecting perfection is a quick way to fall of track. I definitely expect that of myself, in so many ways. I need to expect reality instead. I don't think that means that I can give myself enough rope to hang myself - on the contrary. I just need to give myself a little slack.

The pages that really spoke to me were about managing my feelings. Those of you who know me probably think that I do that rather well. Or maybe that's the way I perceive myself - a good handler of my emotions and feelings. I see myself as a stable person - in control - not wavering. How dangerous is that! Seriously - I'm far from that!

Becoming aware that I am an emotional eater was an eye-opening experience for me. Take last Tuesday as an example. If I could view that day's video, I would see exactly that example right in front of me. I am going to start paying attention to my hunger signals and then do something about it. If I'm "feeling" that I'm hungry soon after I've eaten, then there's something else going on. Am I bored? Am I annoyed or angry about something? Am I lonely? Am I feeling sad about something? Those things aren't too hard to figure out - but I need to be aware of it and then act on them. I need to have in place things to do when that happens to me. If I'm sitting at my desk at work and feel hungry, then I can get up and walk around for a bit - go outside for a minute. Offer to get the mail. Breathe in some outside air.

If I'm lonely for my children or for my grandson, I can call them. Step away and talk to them for a couple of minutes.

If I'm angry or annoyed - then deal with the situation. Eating does not take care of a single thing besides filling my stomach. If I'm not hungry, I shouldn't be eating.

To quote one of the leader's mentioned in this book: " It isn't the load that breaks us down, it's the way we carry it."

I also need to prepare myself. Successful people set goals, plan their efforts, and prepare for challenging scenarios. Research shows that setting goals is an important part of the weight-loss process. Goals that are broken down into smaller steps feel more attainable and allow for more frequent celebrations! (and not with food!!)

One of the things they talked about was anchoring. I like this and may try to implement it. This helps me get in touch with my "inner resources". For me, this strength comes from God. With anchoring, you connect to times in your life when you felt particularly patient, confident, determined or successful. Yout attach that memory to a physical object, a mental picture or a gesture. When you need those positive feelings, that confidence, that determination - you touch the object, conjure the image or make the gesture. I'm working on this right now - I have a few ideas and I will share them with you when I come to a good conclusion.

There was also the idea of reframing. This helps me to recognize the real motivation behind emotional eating - trying to accomplish an emotional need with food. Reframing helps you to fill that need with something other than food.  Ask yourself: What does this behavior give me? How does it benefit me? Then think what else I could do to get that benefit. Again - I'm in the process of working on this. Very interesting stuff.

Today I stayed on track completely. I keep track of points and didn't eat anything I shouldn't have. I felt good - I felt positive. One more day towards the goal.

Speaking of goals, I'm going to focus on a smaller goal this week. I would like to lose 2# this week. That is the goal.

Thank you anonymous for all of your comments - do I know you?  :)

"It isn't the load that breaks us down, it's the way we carry it."

End of week 3

- .2#

That's it. Nothing more.

I have learned my lesson.

No more stinking brownies.

No more containers of krispy kreme donut holes.

Stick to the plan.

Stay focused.

Say no.

This is a life lesson.

I can do it.

The end.

Goodnight! :)

And a new day it is!

And a new day it is!!

It is so funny to me that one day can be so different than the day before when it comes to "willpower" or whatever it is that keeps me on a straight path.

Today, I felt like I was in control. (Foolish thought - and not safe at all - but a thought none the less) I wrote down every single thing that went into my mouth and here I am at 8 o'clock at night and I have one point remaining which I choose to fill with a peach. I had a tablespoon of peanut butter when I got home from work that I hadn't planned on. So I wrote it down and counted it. This brings me to something that I need to deal with right away. Almost without fail I am HUNGRY when I get home from work. I need to deal with this before it gets out of hand. I need to plan for it.

When I get home, I plan on drinking a big glass of water first. Then I'll eat something pre-planned, ideally a filling food. Maybe some celery with peanut butter would be good. Or a rice cake with peanut butter. Both are crunchy and that's always a good thing. To me, if it's crunchy, then I am definitely getting my money's worth!

I was busy all morning at the Savannah River Site with a United Way presentation so that helped. The thing was, they always have delicious treats there. Marlane and I both avoided them. The lady who had a display across from us had gingersnaps that she offered us. Again, we declined. I work good in pairs!!

I didn't get to go to the gym this morning because of having to be at the site so very early. I'll go in tomorrow then - which is really not a bad idea at all since tomorrow evening is WW and I'm needing to be as ready as I can be. It wasn't a perfect week.

That's something I need to learn to deal with also. It's not ever going to be a PERFECT week - I'm not made that way. I need to do the very best I can, plan ahead, be prepared, and work the plan. Life lessons - continued. I can do this!

Week 3, day 5 (aka not a good day)

So remember what I said about not having a treat at Mahjongg last night? Well - I did. Not once - but twice. Two stinking brownies. Seriously. And why? Well - the first bite was because I was thinking how delicious a piece of chocolate brownie would be. But beyond that first bite, there was no real reason. And there certainly wasn't a reason for the second brownie!! So why did I have it? I truly don't know. She picked up the plate to get it out of the way and said "anybody for seconds before I take the plate?" and everybody took one. So did I. Just because. And now I'm commiserating over it. It wasn't a GREAT brownie by any means - just a usual brownie.

So today - well, it had the best of intentions from me. But from the very beginning of the day it started out wrong. First thing out of the gate there was a change in my day - something I had to do that I hadn't planned on that was going to make my afternoon schedule tight. And then the clinic was just out of control today from the get-go. Someone suggested that the astroid that came between the earth and the sun was messing with the atmosphere. This is akin to the full moon theory I presume. However you choose to explain it, if it could go wrong today, it did. And I was cranky. My mom had surgery today and I was concerned about that too. Also guilty that I wasn't there.

I stuck with my food plan all day long..................until I stopped at the grocery store on the way home to pick up things for small group tonite (snacks at the last minute). I knew what I was going to get before I even walked in the door. There is a small little package of krispy kreme donut holes sitting in the middle of the isle by Starbucks..... and I picked it up and ate the entire thing while I was driving home. I did.

OK - so this wasn't a good day in a lot of ways. First -  my eating towards the end was way off the scale. Pun intended. Second - I had a horrid attitude about several things and I was feeling unnecessary guilt, stress and anger. Apparently I now know what triggers binge eating.

P.S.  I've been asked what 0 point items I like to snack on. I'd have to say veggies. I love tomatoes - but other than that, I haven't found many 0 point items that make me say yum. :)

Better sailing tomorrow............

Week 3, Day 4

It was a pretty good day today - so far. I am headed to a neighbor's house in a half hour to play Mahjongg and I "fear" what she will have for snacks. I am committed to say "no thank you" and just drink either water or diet pop. If you have iced tea down here, it is most definitely sweet tea - and that's not a good thing!

I'm working on two areas right now: First, making sure that I eat several small meals throughout the day so that I don't get hungry with a capital H! Second, making sure that the majority of foods I eat are high in protein and "filling foods". I love blueberries - but they aren't exactly filling. 1 cup of blueberries is only 1 point - but it doesn't do much to satisfy my hunger. I always include a protein drink throughout the day as well. We are told not to drink our calories and while I know that is true, I do need the extra protein and this is a good way to do it - and it's only 2 points.

I went to the gym this morning and rode the bike for 5 miles - it felt really good! It's a great way to start out my mornings!

So - that's it for today. I'll let you know tomorrow how I did at mahjongg!  Thanks for your encouragement!

A new beginning - again

So - I'm going to start blogging again a little more regularly. This time - with a definite purpose.

This is my "before" picture - 3 years ago.

This is my "after" picture about a year ago.

As you may or may not know, I had gastric bypass surgery, nearly 3 years ago to the day. After that surgery, I lost about 120#, give or take. Well - within the past year, I have gained about 30# back. There is always a "given" that you gain a little back - but certainly not 30#. So here I am again - facing the fact that I need to lose weight again but this time, without the benefit of gastric bypass. This time - I have to really dig deep and accomplish this on my own.

I'm not saying that losing the weight after gastric bypass was easy. It wasn't. I had to settle in to a new lifestyle and get used to a new way of eating. That holds true for now as well - but I've adjusted what I eat to things that I shouldn't be putting into my mouth. I may not be able to eat as much - but what I've been eating has been wrong.

I joined Weight Watchers 2 weeks ago and so far I've lost 6.6#. It is a very healthy lifestyle and the program is excellent of course. I've also gone back to the gym and have started going to water aerobics on Friday mornings. I am determined to regain what I've lost! Odd way to say that, isn't it!

This isn't easy for my ego. I loved where I was at a year ago. I felt awesome and I believe I was pretty close to where I wanted to be. Slowly, ever so slowly I regained those 30# and it just makes me angry that I let it happen. I had been so disciplined and I guess I ended up being careless. That 120# really came off quickly - and so I had the false assumption that it would stay off, no matter what I did.

It truly is not all about how I look. It is about my health and it is about the things that I can do. When it got hard for me to walk very far because I was out of breath, it really was a knock upside the head. What had I let happen?

Now I'm watching my points, drinking water, and exercising. Its not always easy. Some days are a breeze - but other days I fight with myself about something I want to eat. Something sweet usually. A treat. Well, it sure isn't much of a treat when it starts to pack on the pounds in a relatively short period of time.

So, I'm going to start blogging about my progress. It is a way for me to stay accountable. It's a way for me to put down my thoughts about where I'm at in this process. And I do plan on making progress. Forward progress.

Here I go!!!