Wednesday, May 2, 2007
My Mother. I just have to write about my mother. Its getting close to Mother's Day and I have to admit that she's been on my mind. Josh and I went to St. Francis to visit her. Its a sad thing to say, but nobody ever really looks forward to it. Honestly, Mom and I have never had a really good relationship - to say the very least. My brother Gary was always the Golden Boy - but even beyond that, I guess our personalities just clashed. Mother is "difficult" at best. Her true personality has really surfaced now that she's in the nursing home. She has become combative and rude. On my previous visit, she tried to back over another woman with her wheelchair.
So whats the history with her? She has always been harsh. It was her way or the highway. I always hated cooking with her because she would just never let me be. She was at my elbow the entire time, making sure that I cleaned up after each step, cracked the eggs "just so" and on and on. It was never fun.
Nothing was every fun with Mom. I don't remember playing with her ever. When I think about my mom, I don't have any warm fuzzies. I don't have any hugging memories. I'm not saying she abused me. She didn't. The thing is - I never felt loved by her. I never felt like I belonged to her - it was like I was some child plunked down in the middle of a family and they just had to deal with me.
Oh sure - she kept me busy with 4-H and piano lessons and accordion lessons (don't get me started) and Y-Teens and youth group... yada yada yada. The thing is, I think it was all for her. She wanted me to shine so that she would look good. Everytime we would have company, I had to play the piano for them. I kid you not. I absolutely hated it and I'm sure our company was just thrilled out of their mind to sit and listen to me play not just one song, but several. My apologies to anybody who had to sit through that.
OK. All that being said - I've been convicted lately about God's commandment to Honor Your Father and Mother. Despite everything, she is my mother and God asks that I act accordingly. She has just been on my mind. Through some counseling a couple of years ago, I was able to forgive my mother. I came to realize that because of her parents, she was just doing the best that she knew how to do.
When Josh and I visited her, I have to admit that I was anxoius to see her. Yes, conversations are pretty mundane. We don't talk about much of anything because she really can't focus on anything. We have the same conversations several times in a row. Bless Josh - she talked to him about what classes he was taking at Beloit and then about 5 minutes later, she asked what grade in high school he was. He just started the story all over again. What a trooper.
When it came time to leave, there were tears in my eyes. She is my mother and I do love her. No matter what our history is, I want to be obedient to God. I miss her. I miss what could have been. She did take care of me. She loved me as best she could. I want to be the best I can be for her now. Through God.....