Thursday, August 16, 2007

Listening to God Today

God spoke to me today in three different ways - saying three different things to something I cried out to him about this morning in my quiet time.

Let me start out from yesterday afternoon. I went to see my surgeon for a pre-operative visit. We talked about a lot of things - one of them being a discussion about my throat surgery I had just last Friday and the fact that there were issues concerning my breathing as I was coming out of anesthesia. He told me that he had been in conference with my ENT surgeon about the upcoming gastric bypass. My ENT surgeon wants to be nearby while I'm in surgery "just in case" I have problems breathing again - in case when they intubate me my throat swells up again and there are airway issues. He went on to tell me that there is a slight possibility that if there are issues, they will leave the airway in place and that when I wake up from surgery, it will still be there and that they will keep it in overnight and that I will remain in ICU until they take it out the next day.

My eyes were wide and I'm sure my jaw was dropped. He told me that he imagined it was a little scary for me to think about. I told him that it was. I told him that I can't imagine liking how that was going to feel and that I would think I would be very anxious about it. He said that many people are and that if they do have to leave it in and I wake up agitated and fighting them, that they will keep me sedated while its in and then wait to wake me up after they've taken it out.

I thought about it all evening long. In fact, it was really all I could think about. While its only a slight possibility that it will happen, it is something that is a possibility and I was scared. I imagined the feeling being like suffocated (which isn't true I know - in fact I'm sure its quite the opposite) but I just don't want to wake up with an airway still in me.

This brings me to this morning. I had a shortened quiet time because I had to get to the office by 7 o'clock. I went right past my reading and devotions and started my prayer time. I told God that I was scared. I told him that I didn't want for this to happen - I did not want to wake up with an airway in and that I wasn't sure that I could handle it. I told him that I was afraid and that I was going to panic when I woke up. I cried. He heard me.

About 10 o'clock this morning, God said to me "When are you going to quit trying to do things on your own? When are you going to completely give things to me to handle for you?" I remembered that we'd had this conversation before. I knew just what he was talking about and I surrendered. I knew he was right. I cannot handle a single thing on my own. I cannot handle the fear or the idea of the airway. But He can.

A little later on, someone called the office and was telling me about how she missed her mother. Her mother had recently passed away. This woman was also going through a job change and a possible selling of her home. She was dealing with sisters who were not strong and she had to be the "stand up girl" for everything dealing with her mother's death. She told me that there was no way she could go through all of this if it wasn't her strength from God. She also told me that she knew that God was refining her. God asked me if I was listening. He is refining me - and he chooses to do it how he chooses to do it.

The third way God spoke to me today concerning this is that my co-worker brought a devotion in to me to read. She has never done this before but she told me that she thought it was really good. It talked about how God never gives us more than we can handle. God said "Why would you think that I would ever give you more than you could handle?"

I don't know if I will wake up with the airway in or not. I won't know until I'm in the middle of it. But I do know that God loves me so much that he took time today to hear me and he took time today to speak clearly three times. He told me that he wants me to give everything to Him to take care of. He told me that He is refining me for himself. And he told me that he would never give me more than I can handle.

I'm ready for my surgery.

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