Musings about Mother

I'm not sure the proper word is "musings".

Although by definition, it is contemplation; reflection. So I guess it fits.

I visited my mother about 2 months ago. She lives in a nursing home and will be 89 years old in a month. She has dementia, at the very least. This past visit was the first time she really wasn't sure who I was.

She introduced me as her brother's daughter. Another time she introduced me as her granddaughter. Despite my encouragements as to who I really was, I'm not sure it ever sunk in. Not by the look on her face. She never called me Sheryl.

It was a distinct disassociation for me. It was almost like not really visiting with my mother, though visiting with her hasn't really occurred for many years. We simply go over the same topic many times. "How are the kids?" and "Have you got much rain?" And then again, in about 5 minutes. Same questions. Same answers.

That sort of thing really never bothered me. Mother and I really never had much of a good relationship anyway - so we never had "heart to heart" conversations. We generally stick to surface talk for the most part, even on the days when she knew who I was. But now - it just seemed that it didn't even reach the surface. It was like not having a conversation at all. She asked me how my dad was. I wasn't sure how to answer. After all, my dad was her husband. How do you explain that without getting her confused. More confused.

Its funny to me that I want her back - that I long for times that we could talk together - when really, we never had much of those times to begin with. It's hard to wish for things that never really were. But I still do.

It's almost like I am wishing for a mother that never existed. That seems wrong. It seems unloving.

So - now I think about my mom in a totally different plane almost. I think about her sitting in the nursing home - and I imagine that she doesn't even miss me. She doesn't remember me - how can she miss me.

But I miss her - I miss the mom that I imagine I could have had.

A Wandering Mind

This is just me tonite - with a wandering mind. This is about body image and the way we feel about ourselves. Its a cruel game sometimes. I honestly feel that I felt better about myself before I lost weight. Explain that, will ya?

I hate it - the morning ritual of figuring out what to wear. Some mornings, nothing fits - or it appears that it doesn't fit. Nothing looks right. There's absolutely nothing in my closet to wear. And no matter what it looked like on me yesterday, it's not good today.

You can have your toes painted, you can have a tan, a good hair day and a new outfit - but still - it just isn't right. And that makes me mad. Very mad.

Where does our self-worth and self-image come from anyway? From television? From a magazine? From media hype about skinny bodies and white teeth and fashion trends? Yes, yes and yes again. And it just doesn't make sense because our real self-worth isn't about our "self" at all. It's about our life in Jesus Christ and how we are viewed by Him. It has nothing to do with my toenails. It has nothing to do with those pounds that I cannot seem to get rid of. It is about my new life - it is about being born again as a child of God. It is about my salvation.

So why am I so caught up in the way I look to everyone else........on how I appear to myself? It doesn't make sense to me - and it is getting old. I'm tired of not being content with myself and of not liking what I see.

Deep sigh.........

My Birthday

This past week was my birthday. I'm not going to divulge how old I am now, but suffice it to say, I should be well beyond being excited about my birthday. But - I still get very excited about my birthday and I love celebrating it!

But things are different when you're older, and it makes me a little sad. I admit it. I like the hoopla and the fal-d-rall of birthday celebrations. My mom used to do a very good job of celebrating my birthday. We had a neighbor who could make birthday cakes like none other. I had a doll birthday cake, a clown birthday cake and the best one of all, a train birthday cake! It had about 5 cars and I loved it!



The thing is now, most people assume that when you're the age that I am now, you don't really care about your birthday but I bet I'm not alone when I say that it DOES matter! I love to celebrate and I love it when my friends remember.

This year was pretty good - my co-workers remembered and we celebrated with food and flowers and cards. Two other friends took me out for a latte and flowers - and several other friends called. Jay remembered of course - and my kids called too!

There was also the facebook well wishes and I was so overwhelmed with the birthday wishes! There was a definite trend - I got birthday wishes from relatives on facebook, classmates from highschool on facebook AND all of my wonderful friends from Clay Center on facebook. But guess who was missing. My Virginia friends. I got one birthday wish from Virginia. Just interesting - and it kind of cements the theory that Jay said we might not ever fit in there. Nobody has time for friends.

Anyway - I digress.

It was a fun birthday - and I'm glad that my family and friends realize that there is still that little girl inside of me that loves to celebrate my birthday. It's a good thing to remember for others as well.

My Library Card

Since moving to South Carolina,I have been several places - but I hadn't yet made it to the library. I seriously cannot remember the last time I had a library card, but it had been a number of years and honestly, I was looking forward to it.

In my mind, I remembered the library cards of the past. When I was in elementary school, the library was in the basement of the courthouse. It wasn't a very big library, but I do remember how it smelled. My library card at that time was kept at the library, in a small metal "recipe box" along with everyone elise's. When I checked out a book, the name of the book was written on my card and the date stamped both on my card and on the flap on the back cover of the book itself.

Later on as an adult, I got to have my own library card in my possession. Perhaps because I was more responsible. Perhaps. In any event, the same type of system was used. I handed my card to the librarian and she put my individual number on the card from the book along with the stamped date. I believe she kept that card from the book.

But this week when I went to the library to get a card, it was an entirely different system.






As you can see, my library card is now a plastic card with my personal ID barcode and the little card fits onto my keychain. When I want to check out a book, I find it, take it to a self-check station, scan my barcoded card, lay the book (with it's own little barcode) onto the gray pad and viola, it prints out a little slip of paper with my name on it and the book's return date. And I'm outta there.

This kind of distressed me a little bit. I mean, there is virtually no personal contact at all. I can find the books I want (they still alphabetize them by authors) and I know how to scan etc. I could literally walk in and out of the library without as much as a "how do you do".

The good news? This library is very old. It SMELLS like a library. The floors creak. The stairs to the second floor squeak. The hand rail feels well worn. It is still very quiet, even with the many computer keyboards clicking away.

It is still a comfort place to be. All is not lost. Even though I carry my library card on the end of my keychain, the mystery and ambience of the library remains.

All is well.

Snow in the south

I really didn't think I would like it - but I was wrong. I loved it. Last week the forecast called for snow and sure enough, despite everyone thinking it wouldn't ever happen, we got snow! About 4" of beautiful, wet snow! It had been years since this area had received any snow so of course there were a lot of warnings out for the area - telling people to stay off of the roads, watch out for ice, and to stock up on food in case you were snowed in.

Smiling here - snowed in. Ha!

When it started snowing, I, along with many others, went for a walk. It was just so nice to walk with those big flakes hitting me in the face. I remembered many snow storms in Kansas and being snowed in - I mean REALLY snowed in! It was nice.... very nice.

Pay It Forward

Here's something new. My friend Laura had this on her blog and I signed up. It's called Pay It forward.... and here are the guidelines:

The guidelines: "I will send a handmade gift to the first 3 people who leave a comment on my blog requesting to join this PIF exchange. I don’t know what that gift will be yet and you may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days, that is my promise!"



The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog.



"Want to participate? Be one of the first 3 people to leave a comment on this post and make the same promise on your own blog.

Not So Random Acts of Kindness and 365 days to do it in!

So, here goes! If you're interested in participating, just be one of the first three people to post that you would like to PIF! You don't have to be a knitter, you can hand craft - crochet, weaving, sewing, stamping up cards, anything that is "your thing".


Come on---you know you want to join us in the fun.

Ready? GO!!!!!

My Internal Yardstick

I have just realized that a lot of the things I "measure" are held up against Kansas.

Kansas is my home - I lived in Kansas for over 50 years. For me - this is what I measure things with.

Now being in South Carolina, I hold it up against Kansas. When people down here say that it is a cold winter, I say to myself "You've got to be kidding!! You have no idea what a cold winter is! Back in Kansas....."

When people say that the streets are icy, I say to myself "Seriously! Have you ever driven on a sheet of ice??? Back in Kansas....."

When we're in a restaurant, when I order iced tea, I am automatically given sweet tea. Well - Back in Kansas, you are given plain iced tea and you add sugar IF you want it.

It seems like nearly everything I do, I compare it to Kansas, with Kansas being the norm. With Kansas being "the right way". Interesting, because I'm sure anybody from any other state thinks the same thing about their area. I truly do know that just because I've done something the same way all my life doesn't necessarly make it correct. And I know that if some people can drive very well on snow packed roads, it doesn't make others wierd because they aren't used to it.

I know that I'll always have Kansas near and dear to me, no matter where I live. I am enjoying South Carolina very much and really am content with the location that I am in. But it will never be Kansas. There truly is - no place like home.