End of week 3

- .2#

That's it. Nothing more.

I have learned my lesson.

No more stinking brownies.

No more containers of krispy kreme donut holes.

Stick to the plan.

Stay focused.

Say no.

This is a life lesson.

I can do it.

The end.

Goodnight! :)

And a new day it is!

And a new day it is!!

It is so funny to me that one day can be so different than the day before when it comes to "willpower" or whatever it is that keeps me on a straight path.

Today, I felt like I was in control. (Foolish thought - and not safe at all - but a thought none the less) I wrote down every single thing that went into my mouth and here I am at 8 o'clock at night and I have one point remaining which I choose to fill with a peach. I had a tablespoon of peanut butter when I got home from work that I hadn't planned on. So I wrote it down and counted it. This brings me to something that I need to deal with right away. Almost without fail I am HUNGRY when I get home from work. I need to deal with this before it gets out of hand. I need to plan for it.

When I get home, I plan on drinking a big glass of water first. Then I'll eat something pre-planned, ideally a filling food. Maybe some celery with peanut butter would be good. Or a rice cake with peanut butter. Both are crunchy and that's always a good thing. To me, if it's crunchy, then I am definitely getting my money's worth!

I was busy all morning at the Savannah River Site with a United Way presentation so that helped. The thing was, they always have delicious treats there. Marlane and I both avoided them. The lady who had a display across from us had gingersnaps that she offered us. Again, we declined. I work good in pairs!!

I didn't get to go to the gym this morning because of having to be at the site so very early. I'll go in tomorrow then - which is really not a bad idea at all since tomorrow evening is WW and I'm needing to be as ready as I can be. It wasn't a perfect week.

That's something I need to learn to deal with also. It's not ever going to be a PERFECT week - I'm not made that way. I need to do the very best I can, plan ahead, be prepared, and work the plan. Life lessons - continued. I can do this!

Week 3, day 5 (aka not a good day)

So remember what I said about not having a treat at Mahjongg last night? Well - I did. Not once - but twice. Two stinking brownies. Seriously. And why? Well - the first bite was because I was thinking how delicious a piece of chocolate brownie would be. But beyond that first bite, there was no real reason. And there certainly wasn't a reason for the second brownie!! So why did I have it? I truly don't know. She picked up the plate to get it out of the way and said "anybody for seconds before I take the plate?" and everybody took one. So did I. Just because. And now I'm commiserating over it. It wasn't a GREAT brownie by any means - just a usual brownie.

So today - well, it had the best of intentions from me. But from the very beginning of the day it started out wrong. First thing out of the gate there was a change in my day - something I had to do that I hadn't planned on that was going to make my afternoon schedule tight. And then the clinic was just out of control today from the get-go. Someone suggested that the astroid that came between the earth and the sun was messing with the atmosphere. This is akin to the full moon theory I presume. However you choose to explain it, if it could go wrong today, it did. And I was cranky. My mom had surgery today and I was concerned about that too. Also guilty that I wasn't there.

I stuck with my food plan all day long..................until I stopped at the grocery store on the way home to pick up things for small group tonite (snacks at the last minute). I knew what I was going to get before I even walked in the door. There is a small little package of krispy kreme donut holes sitting in the middle of the isle by Starbucks..... and I picked it up and ate the entire thing while I was driving home. I did.

OK - so this wasn't a good day in a lot of ways. First -  my eating towards the end was way off the scale. Pun intended. Second - I had a horrid attitude about several things and I was feeling unnecessary guilt, stress and anger. Apparently I now know what triggers binge eating.

P.S.  I've been asked what 0 point items I like to snack on. I'd have to say veggies. I love tomatoes - but other than that, I haven't found many 0 point items that make me say yum. :)

Better sailing tomorrow............

Week 3, Day 4

It was a pretty good day today - so far. I am headed to a neighbor's house in a half hour to play Mahjongg and I "fear" what she will have for snacks. I am committed to say "no thank you" and just drink either water or diet pop. If you have iced tea down here, it is most definitely sweet tea - and that's not a good thing!

I'm working on two areas right now: First, making sure that I eat several small meals throughout the day so that I don't get hungry with a capital H! Second, making sure that the majority of foods I eat are high in protein and "filling foods". I love blueberries - but they aren't exactly filling. 1 cup of blueberries is only 1 point - but it doesn't do much to satisfy my hunger. I always include a protein drink throughout the day as well. We are told not to drink our calories and while I know that is true, I do need the extra protein and this is a good way to do it - and it's only 2 points.

I went to the gym this morning and rode the bike for 5 miles - it felt really good! It's a great way to start out my mornings!

So - that's it for today. I'll let you know tomorrow how I did at mahjongg!  Thanks for your encouragement!

A new beginning - again

So - I'm going to start blogging again a little more regularly. This time - with a definite purpose.

This is my "before" picture - 3 years ago.

This is my "after" picture about a year ago.

As you may or may not know, I had gastric bypass surgery, nearly 3 years ago to the day. After that surgery, I lost about 120#, give or take. Well - within the past year, I have gained about 30# back. There is always a "given" that you gain a little back - but certainly not 30#. So here I am again - facing the fact that I need to lose weight again but this time, without the benefit of gastric bypass. This time - I have to really dig deep and accomplish this on my own.

I'm not saying that losing the weight after gastric bypass was easy. It wasn't. I had to settle in to a new lifestyle and get used to a new way of eating. That holds true for now as well - but I've adjusted what I eat to things that I shouldn't be putting into my mouth. I may not be able to eat as much - but what I've been eating has been wrong.

I joined Weight Watchers 2 weeks ago and so far I've lost 6.6#. It is a very healthy lifestyle and the program is excellent of course. I've also gone back to the gym and have started going to water aerobics on Friday mornings. I am determined to regain what I've lost! Odd way to say that, isn't it!

This isn't easy for my ego. I loved where I was at a year ago. I felt awesome and I believe I was pretty close to where I wanted to be. Slowly, ever so slowly I regained those 30# and it just makes me angry that I let it happen. I had been so disciplined and I guess I ended up being careless. That 120# really came off quickly - and so I had the false assumption that it would stay off, no matter what I did.

It truly is not all about how I look. It is about my health and it is about the things that I can do. When it got hard for me to walk very far because I was out of breath, it really was a knock upside the head. What had I let happen?

Now I'm watching my points, drinking water, and exercising. Its not always easy. Some days are a breeze - but other days I fight with myself about something I want to eat. Something sweet usually. A treat. Well, it sure isn't much of a treat when it starts to pack on the pounds in a relatively short period of time.

So, I'm going to start blogging about my progress. It is a way for me to stay accountable. It's a way for me to put down my thoughts about where I'm at in this process. And I do plan on making progress. Forward progress.

Here I go!!!

Musings about Mother

I'm not sure the proper word is "musings".

Although by definition, it is contemplation; reflection. So I guess it fits.

I visited my mother about 2 months ago. She lives in a nursing home and will be 89 years old in a month. She has dementia, at the very least. This past visit was the first time she really wasn't sure who I was.

She introduced me as her brother's daughter. Another time she introduced me as her granddaughter. Despite my encouragements as to who I really was, I'm not sure it ever sunk in. Not by the look on her face. She never called me Sheryl.

It was a distinct disassociation for me. It was almost like not really visiting with my mother, though visiting with her hasn't really occurred for many years. We simply go over the same topic many times. "How are the kids?" and "Have you got much rain?" And then again, in about 5 minutes. Same questions. Same answers.

That sort of thing really never bothered me. Mother and I really never had much of a good relationship anyway - so we never had "heart to heart" conversations. We generally stick to surface talk for the most part, even on the days when she knew who I was. But now - it just seemed that it didn't even reach the surface. It was like not having a conversation at all. She asked me how my dad was. I wasn't sure how to answer. After all, my dad was her husband. How do you explain that without getting her confused. More confused.

Its funny to me that I want her back - that I long for times that we could talk together - when really, we never had much of those times to begin with. It's hard to wish for things that never really were. But I still do.

It's almost like I am wishing for a mother that never existed. That seems wrong. It seems unloving.

So - now I think about my mom in a totally different plane almost. I think about her sitting in the nursing home - and I imagine that she doesn't even miss me. She doesn't remember me - how can she miss me.

But I miss her - I miss the mom that I imagine I could have had.

A Wandering Mind

This is just me tonite - with a wandering mind. This is about body image and the way we feel about ourselves. Its a cruel game sometimes. I honestly feel that I felt better about myself before I lost weight. Explain that, will ya?

I hate it - the morning ritual of figuring out what to wear. Some mornings, nothing fits - or it appears that it doesn't fit. Nothing looks right. There's absolutely nothing in my closet to wear. And no matter what it looked like on me yesterday, it's not good today.

You can have your toes painted, you can have a tan, a good hair day and a new outfit - but still - it just isn't right. And that makes me mad. Very mad.

Where does our self-worth and self-image come from anyway? From television? From a magazine? From media hype about skinny bodies and white teeth and fashion trends? Yes, yes and yes again. And it just doesn't make sense because our real self-worth isn't about our "self" at all. It's about our life in Jesus Christ and how we are viewed by Him. It has nothing to do with my toenails. It has nothing to do with those pounds that I cannot seem to get rid of. It is about my new life - it is about being born again as a child of God. It is about my salvation.

So why am I so caught up in the way I look to everyone else........on how I appear to myself? It doesn't make sense to me - and it is getting old. I'm tired of not being content with myself and of not liking what I see.

Deep sigh.........