God never has museums

I just had to share a section of my devotion this morning from Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest.
"May God not find the whine in us any more, but may He find us full of spiritual pluck and athleticism, ready to face anything He brings. We have to exercise ourselves so that the Son of God may be manifested in our mortal flesh. God never has museums. The only aim of life is that the Son of God may be manifested, and all dictation to God vanishes. Our Lord never dictated to His Father, and we are not here to dictate to God; we are here to submit to His will so that He may work through us what He wants. When we realize this, He will make us broken bread and poured-out wine to feed and nourish others."

The Pentagon Mixing Bowl

Have you ever been using a mixer and added ingredients when the beaters were on too high of a speed? Do you remember what happens? Things go splattering all over the kitchen counter, the toaster, the side of the fridge and the mess is one big headache.

There is an area in downtown DC called the Pentagon Mixing Bowl. Oddly enough, it is located right around the Pentagon (silly thought) and it is a group of roads that just kind of.... well, they sort of merge and mix and twist around and so forth. Traffic is always snarled there. I've been through there several times with Jay driving and we most generally end up taking the wrong road. I suppose for the seasoned veteran, its quite obvious which road to take. But for us, its just not clear. We always find our way out and we always eventually end up where we want to go, but its only because Jay has a homing device implanted in his brain. He just never gets lost.

In about a month, I'm going to end up driving to the airport at 10 o'clock at night to pick up Jay. I'm driving there all by myself. In the dark. By myself. Alone.

So today, we took a test drive. I always like to do that. Its a good idea and it makes me feel a lot better when I have to do it by myself. We've done it several times before. We drive to a new doctor's office beforehand. We drive to where a banquet is going to be that I'll end up driving by myself and meeting Jay there. Its a great idea and a confidence builder for me.

Today we were driving along - its Saturday, so really not a huge amount of traffic for the area. The radio is going and we're just driving along. He tells me to take a right onto 395 North. I do.... and I say to him... "As long as we're not going on to the Pentagon Mixing Bowl and I'll be ok."

Silence.

I say again... "As long as we're not going on to the Pentagon Mixing Bowl I'll be ok."

I look at him. He mentions that we're having nice weather.

I knew it. I just knew it. He tells me I'm doing fine. But sure enough - here we are. Smack dab in the middle of it all. The good news is - he's with me and its not 5 o'clock on Friday.

I take a deep breath. I remember how that cake batter looks plastered up against the refridgerator. I keep driving.

Now, we're back home. It wasn't as horrid as I thought. We made it to the airport and back without incident. I guess the key is to keep the beaters on low while you're adding ingredients.

"Talking to my Son"

In a world filled with so many types of communication, one can pick and choose. When it comes to talking to your 19 year old son, you can also pick and choose.

Josh and I can talk together - when he is in the mood. If he and I are in a vehicle together alone (I believe the term is held captive) then there is a really good chance that we'll have a great conversation eventually. The last time I was in Kansas, he and I traveled to St. Francis and back. The trip out was pretty uneventful as he slept most of the way. On the way back was a different story. We just talked and talked and it was excellent!

Sometimes when I call him on the phone..... not so much. He is probably just getting home from work and/or he is surrounded by his guy friends. Not a particularly great time to talk to your mom I guess. He isn't rude or anything - he just doesn't have much to say.

The other night I called him and it was pretty much a one sided conversation. I decided to let him move along and said goodnight. A little later on I got a text message from him. I answered. We ended up carrying on a "conversation" for about an hour. It was great. He really spoke from his heart on an issue and told me something I hadn't known. It was interesting that this form of communication made him more comfortable than actually talking on the phone. I don't care.

If I have to pick and choose, I will choose communication with my son, no matter how it happens.

I've been tagged

Apparently I've been tagged! I've never even heard about this - but I've been tagged by Jamie and its kinda cool! I have to tell you (my blog readers, whoever you are) 7 things about myself that you don't know. This is gonna be hard since two of you are my daughters!
#1 My mother made me take accordion lessons as a girl. I hated it so much. One time when we were having a recital, I was playing Lady of Spain (what else?) and we were supposed to dress the part. I had a long, flashy "spanish" skirt, a white peasant blouse and I had my hair pulled back with a long pony tail switch. For those of you who don't know.... a switch was a pretend pony tail. I thought I was pretty cute. I was the oldest one there and I was pretty sure that the little girls were awe-struck. Wow...get over it!
#2 I had my tonsils out when I was in 3rd grade. It was a pretty usual operation then - but I do remember they used either. They put the liquid either on a piece of cloth and put it over my nose for me to breathe. Pretty ancient, wouldn't you say?
#3 One time, I ran over a black snake with a riding mower. It gives me the willies to think about it now.
#4 Back in the day, when Lynn and I were in Jaycees....we used to go to Hatfield's Garage where Lynn worked.... we'd go there at night with Dick and Debbie Reeves, Ron and Teri Carlson, Greg and Marci Braden and maybe others, and we would disco dance. We loved it. Seriously
#5 My first car was a 1953 turchoise Ford with a round radio, three on the column.... and it was awesome!
#6 When I was a junior in high school, I was going steady with Terry Nash. We were working on prom decorations and when I got done, I drove down Main Street to see what was going on. There was my boyfriend Terry with my best friend Jill sitting next to him in his car. The next time through the loop, I signaled for him to go around the block. Jill wasn't with him then.... and he rolled down his window. I threw the ring into his car and drove off. Jerk.
#7 I love Grey's Anatomy, Survivor, blogging, Coldwater Creek and Starbucks.

Thanks Jamie.....this was awesome!

Now 7 friends.... wow. I don't know a soul who reads this. If you read this...and you're not Jamie, Rachael or Chelsie.... leave me a note and know this.... you're tagged!

A cloudy brain

Well, forget the last post. Except for the diet part - it continues. But forget about the surgery. My surgeon called me about 4 o'clock on Friday. He talked about the possibility of me having gastric bypass surgery instead of the Nissan. He suggested that it would be a "two for one" deal for me. #1 It would greatly help my acid reflux and #2 it would cause me to lose weight which is a good thing and which would again do wonders for my acid reflux. He said that even though my insurance doesn't cover it, they do have a payment plan and that I wouldn't have to pay it in one lump sum. We talked $$ for awhile and I was surprised to find out that it didn't cost as much as I thought. Not nearly as much as I thought.
The interesting part about this is that I had prayed very hard about this on Monday and asked that if it wasn't God's will, that a door be closed. I thought the door was closed when the insurance wouldn't pay it - but the fact that my doctor called me back and discussed this with me leads me to believe the door is still open.
My options now are this: I can cancel the Nissan surgery for now and have an appointment with the surgeon who does the gastric bypass - or I can continue on in the direction I'm going and just have the Nissan without going any further. I'm at the point now where I hate to make a final decision without all the information. Besides - losing weight is a good thing.
So - I'm going to call for an appointment on Monday and see what the surgeon has to say about gastric bypass. I'll cancel the Nissan surgery. I am still going to stay on this diet I'm on for now because first of all, I love being cranky. Second of all, I'm losing a lot of weight and thirdly - and most important - it will make the surgery more of a success because of a smaller liver.
This is why my brain is cloudy. Its trying hard to figure out what God wants me to do. So... please pray.........................thank you! :)

The Two Week Diet

I'm having surgery on May 14th for my acid reflux. The surgeon is going to wrap part of my stomach around the bottom of my esophagus and make that opening tighter so that less acid can splash up. The surgery is called Nissan Fundoplication (I think that's spelled right). In preparation for the surgery, and because it is going to be done laproscopically, they need to shrink my liver because it tends to get in the way. Dang liver. So.....I'm on an Optifast diet for these two weeks before surgery. I am hard pressed to call it a diet - its more like a fast with a little bit of food. I'm not kidding. From Monday morning until Friday morning, I've lost 10#. Seriously.

I have three ingredients to eat. #1 is a beverage. I have two flavors: chocolate and strawberry. I mix that powder with 6oz of water. I drink it quickly because it tends to not stay liquid forever. Forever translates to more than 5 min. It tastes good, but is rather lumpy. #2 is soup. Tomato or chicken. Not bad tasting. Again, 6oz of water and drink it quickly because it also tends to get lumpy. #3 a protein bar. Honey and Oats or peanut butter. Very good, dense bars.
Schedule:
Breakfast: One beverage, one bar
Mid morning: One beverage
Lunch: One soup, one bar
Mid afternoon: One beverage
Dinner: One soup
Evening: One beverage

I kid you not. The funny thing is, I'm not really hungry. My stomach is not growling. I think its in shock. I have cravings - pizza is a front runner for something I'd like to sneak into the apartment. I know this is important though and apparently it is really working. I'll stick with it. The good news is that this might be breaking some of my bad eating habits. Also, the surgery should keep me from having continuous throat surgeries because I'm having trouble breathing. I'll keep you posted.

My Mother

My Mother. I just have to write about my mother. Its getting close to Mother's Day and I have to admit that she's been on my mind. Josh and I went to St. Francis to visit her. Its a sad thing to say, but nobody ever really looks forward to it. Honestly, Mom and I have never had a really good relationship - to say the very least. My brother Gary was always the Golden Boy - but even beyond that, I guess our personalities just clashed. Mother is "difficult" at best. Her true personality has really surfaced now that she's in the nursing home. She has become combative and rude. On my previous visit, she tried to back over another woman with her wheelchair.

So whats the history with her? She has always been harsh. It was her way or the highway. I always hated cooking with her because she would just never let me be. She was at my elbow the entire time, making sure that I cleaned up after each step, cracked the eggs "just so" and on and on. It was never fun.

Nothing was every fun with Mom. I don't remember playing with her ever. When I think about my mom, I don't have any warm fuzzies. I don't have any hugging memories. I'm not saying she abused me. She didn't. The thing is - I never felt loved by her. I never felt like I belonged to her - it was like I was some child plunked down in the middle of a family and they just had to deal with me.

Oh sure - she kept me busy with 4-H and piano lessons and accordion lessons (don't get me started) and Y-Teens and youth group... yada yada yada. The thing is, I think it was all for her. She wanted me to shine so that she would look good. Everytime we would have company, I had to play the piano for them. I kid you not. I absolutely hated it and I'm sure our company was just thrilled out of their mind to sit and listen to me play not just one song, but several. My apologies to anybody who had to sit through that.

OK. All that being said - I've been convicted lately about God's commandment to Honor Your Father and Mother. Despite everything, she is my mother and God asks that I act accordingly. She has just been on my mind. Through some counseling a couple of years ago, I was able to forgive my mother. I came to realize that because of her parents, she was just doing the best that she knew how to do.

When Josh and I visited her, I have to admit that I was anxoius to see her. Yes, conversations are pretty mundane. We don't talk about much of anything because she really can't focus on anything. We have the same conversations several times in a row. Bless Josh - she talked to him about what classes he was taking at Beloit and then about 5 minutes later, she asked what grade in high school he was. He just started the story all over again. What a trooper.

When it came time to leave, there were tears in my eyes. She is my mother and I do love her. No matter what our history is, I want to be obedient to God. I miss her. I miss what could have been. She did take care of me. She loved me as best she could. I want to be the best I can be for her now. Through God.....