Seeking Direction and Discipline

So - I haven't blogged for quite some time now - and for good reason(s).

First of all, I haven't really had much to say in the way of positive things. Now from the onset, my goal was to talk about my progress with Weight Watchers and how my weight loss was going. And for the most part, I'm still in that process. Just that process does not always equal progress.

Second of all, it's hard for me to admit that I'm not disciplined. Not a big surprise to anyone - but in many areas of my life, I lack discipline.

I'm good at keeping my house clean. You can get both cars into our garage because it is neat and orderly. I wash sheets and towels on a regular basis. I pay bills on time. I remember meetings, I get up on time, I get my work done at the clinic..................and so it goes.

So with all that said, why isn't my Weight Watcher lifestyle disciplined. It is not rocket science and it doesn't take time, short of planning out my meals for the day and writing things down. Hardly worthy of an excuse of "not enough time".

Why? Lack of discipline in that area - and I wonder if it is lack of direction. I know that it is the best thing for my life and my health especially. I will feel better, by far. I will be happier with myself and who knows - I might be an encouragement to others. As it is, it's just a front. I say I am doing Weight Watchers, but in reality, I only have the books and the food journal on my kitchen counter.

I start out well in the mornings. I write down what I'm going to have for breakfast and eat the prescribed items. I sometimes even will write out the entire day. I take my perfect little lunch with me and even take some healthy snacks. But that's where it ends. By the time I leave the clinic to head home, it all comes to a screeching halt. If I stop for groceries, you can bet that there is a special treat for me waiting in the sack. When I get home, I eat said treat or find something else to "snack" on. Even though I don't have dangerous foods in the house ( which, I might add, I usually do anyway) I will go ahead and eat large quantities of good stuff!

So where/when does this cycle end? 

Not sure..............looking for direction. Searching for that illusive discipline.



More time to think

It's interesting - God is really working in me right now. It is a battle. (Isn't it always?) Do I want to continue to try to live my life on my own terms or do I want to give control to God? This all sounds familiar to me.... haven't I gone through this at least once before?

The answer is of course yes. Yes I have. And the results were excellent. When I let go of things and let God have everything, I can be assured that my life is headed in the right direction.

Right now, I'm content to just try to work this diet thing out my own way. That includes not working out and it also apparently includes not tracking what I eat. I am a rebel. I am living proof that obedience isn't necessary.

I plan on weighing in Thursday evening - but I doubt I will want to know what the scale says.

So for now, nothing going on in my head except a conversation with God. Soon I expect I will stop talking and start listening.

OK - so here's my thought process

I've been giving this a lot of thought - the place where I'm at in my head with regard to my eating pattern. I'm not proud to admit that I'm pretty self centered  as well as wanting to be in control of things. Herein lies the problem. I have wanted to control how my week will be played out to the tune of not the Weight Watchers plan but a "Sheryl modified" Weight Watchers plan. Not only is this not smart, but it doesn't work.

I thought that I could make the plan work with my personal modifications. Well, my modifications included eating whatever I wanted certain times of the day during the weekend. Translated - not following the plan 100% of the time. I was told I needed to be flexible, but I took it much further than that. Much further.

I have always balked at authority. Not sure how that happened, but I rebelled against my mom and some teachers. I balked at some bosses sometimes and I always drive about 5 miles above the speed limit. I think I must think that my idea of the rules are somehow better.

So, the bottom line is this. Do I want to lose weight or don't I?

I do. I very much want to lose weight and be healthy and feel better.

Do I believe in Weight Watchers?  Yes I do.

Is it currently working by adding in my own "rules"?

Nope.

So I've spent the weekend at friends in Virginia. I did not prepare ahead of time so the snacks in the car were not healthy and not in the program. I ate things I shouldn't have. But I did write everything down as my leader suggested. It doesn't look pretty and it's not going to be fun to share with her - but I did as she suggested.

I am going to stay with the program and more importantly, I am going to think and prepare ahead of time. I am going to be ready when I go to book club tomorrow night. I am going to bring some water to drink instead of wine that is offered. I am not going to eat snacks. One day at a time here. One day at a time.

I am also going to exercise tomorrow morning. Every little positive thing is good. I have no idea what Thursday's weigh in is going to show. I may end up crying again but I know I have to conquer this and literally, this is all data input for success.

p.s. To anonymous - I appreciate your comments so much and am glad that you are having some success with those final #'s.

A gain is not a loss - but it feels like losing.....

I truly am not sure what happened this week - I'm at a loss, excuse the play on words.

I gained 1.4# - and that is what I had hoped to lose. If I would have lost it, I would have lost over 10# and I would have had a 5% weight loss. But no. And I do feel like this was a loss to me. Unfortunately not in the pounds department.

I tried so hard this week and granted, it was labor day weekend and I didn't excel - but I worked hard the rest of the week and I walked probably a mile and a half on Monday and worked out Tuesday and Thursday mornings at the gym. I rode the bike for 45 minutes and then worked on abs etc. And this is what I get?

This is all I really want to talk about it. I'm sad - and I'm upset about this. I know a few facts and it has something to do with my will verses the truth about what I need to do - but I don't want to talk about it, as I said. I want to work this through in my heart and head - and with prayer - and I will see what happens in a few days.

This just isn't the place I had hoped to be tonite. I must be just fooling myself.............

Labor Day Weekend

Well, I made it through Labor Day weekend - relatively unscathed! It wasn't too bad for the most part. I did have a piece of peanut butter pie tonite at a friend's BBQ - which was delicious I might add. But we started out the day by going for a good walk. Then I had breakfast followed by working in our front yard taking out some pesky bushes. It was hard work - and I really felt like I got a good workout with both the walk and the yardwork!

My plans are to go to the gym tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday - I WANT to make my 10# mark this week so I have to work at it!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend !

It's not failure - it's feedback

So the results are as follows:  .4#  Yes, that's right........there's a "." in front of the 4. Not even 1/2#. But - I didn't stay the same and I didn't gain - so I guess it's a victory. It IS a victory - just not a huge one.

One thing we're told is that there's no such thing as failure - just feedback. And these past 2 weeks have been feedback for me. I see that by not strictly following the plan, and exercising 2 times a week, I can lose a little bit of weight. Same plan with no exercise = no loss or gain at all.

So - I think this feedback leads me to a good conclusion. I need to do one of two things (or both for even greater success). Increase my exercise to at least three times a week and/or follow the plan more than 4 days a week. This seems easy enough to do. I can exercise one more day and I can follow the plan for 5 days of the week strictly and let's see what happens.

When I say that I don't follow the plan every day, I don't mean that I eat absolutely anything I want. What I usually end up doing is following the plan the first 2/3 of the day but manage to eat more than I should in the evenings. Apparently this is a problem area. I can adjust - I can fix this.

So - another week started - week 8 I believe and I'm about .4# away from losing 10#. I really, really, REALLY want to have lost 10# next week. The daunting part to me is this long weekend because I really tend to be less obedient and less apt to follow the plan over the weekends. Discipline - here I come.

Happy Labor Day everyone!

A side-note before weigh-in

When I was at the gym yesterday morning, the TV was not working so I just listened to my IPOD - which was fine. It almost made me have a better workout I think because I could concentrate more on what I was doing rather than what I was watching. (note for the future).

Anyway, I rode 2 1/2 more miles and 15 minutes longer. It was a good thing!!!